Talandra
by Kite1763
Summary: A parody of a mary sue fanfiction. Subtle. Ed and Al meet a girl named Talandra, and stuff happens. Mary Sues are infecting Fullmetal Alchemist now? Will no one be spared?
1. Chapter 1: A New Face

OK, before we get started, I'd just like everyone to note that this is subtle humor, and if you've never read a fanfic with a Mary Sue in it, you won't get it. Also, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, Envy would be there 24/7 because he's the best Homunculus. Also, I'd force Cartoon Network to show the new episodes, because I need Wrath to be introduced for my eternal happiness. Because he's a cutie pie. And that's about it. Maybe Gluttony would get eaten by an elephant or something. But it would be cool, and full of awesomeness. But the show isstill cool, and full of awesomeness. AndI love it.But I bet I'mboring you,so I'll stop rambling on about nothing now, and let you read.

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Chapter 1: A New Face 

Ed and Al were wandering through a busy marketplace, asking for information on the Philosopher's Stone. No one knew anything about it, and so they sat in the alleyway while Ed ate an apple he'd bought. Suddenly, a girl walked up to them. She had long, flowing, curly blonde hair that gleamed in the sunlight like gold. Her dark blue eyes gleamed like sapphires, and her rosy cheeks had heart-shaped tattoos on them. Her long-sleeved blue dress enhanced the beauty of her eyes even more. Ed blushed, and didn't know what to say to this girl.

"Hello," she said. "I heard you looking for information on the Philosopher's Stone?"

Her soft voice rang out like a beautiful bell.

"Well," said Ed, "I, uh, um..."

"Yes," said Al.

"I've heard a bit about it from my father," she said. "I don't know much, but I know that it amplifies alchemy and stuff."

"We know that," said Ed. "What's your name anyway?"

"Talandra," she said.

"That's a pretty name," said Ed.

He was still overcome by her radiant beauty.

"So, are you searching for the Philosopher's Stone?" she asked.

"Yes, we are," said Al.

"Hey, I have a great idea!" said Ed. "She can come with us! That would be awesome and filled to the brim with uber-coolness!"

"Uh, I don't know if that's such a good idea brother," said Al.

"Of course it is!" said Ed persistently.

"I suppose I could go with you," said Talandra.

The wind started to blow and her golden locks flowed through the air.

"Um, all right," said Al, finally giving in.

Ed whooped several times and jumped up and down for a while before he noticed that Al and Talandra had left. He quickly ran up to them and they left the city, entering the deep forests that surrounded its borders.

That night, they pitched the tent and started a fire. Al had gone to bed, and Ed and Talandra were blankly staring into the flames, not saying a word. Ed looked at Talandra and noticed a shining blue bracelet with every kind of expensive blue stone imaginable. Ed broke the silence.

"That's a pretty bracelet," said Ed.

"Oh, thank you," she said, looking up at him.

"But not as pretty as you," said Ed, trying to be romantic.

She chuckled.

"Thank you, Ed, that's so sweet," said Talandra.

"So where did you get it?" asked Ed.

"Well, my mother gave it to me," she said. "Before..."

"Before what?" asked Ed inquisitively.

"Well, when I was five, my father left my family for another woman," she said. "I was so young at the time I didn't understand what had happened. When I was twelve, my mother told me what had happened, and I became very sad. To cheer me up, she gave me this bracelet. It's the one that my father gave to her on their first date. I wear it all the time. When I turned fifteen, which is the age I am now, my mother contracted a horrible disease that affected her mind. She went insane and killed both my younger brothers. Then, she killed herself. I was very depressed. I was all alone, and in a frenzy, I decided I wouldn't live without them. So I tried to create homunculi of them with alchemy. But something went wrong. I lost all of my limbs and then got them replaced with automail. Then, I decided to find my father in the hopes that he might have a way to restore my body to normal. That's when I met you..."

She trailed off, staring into Ed's eyes. He was staring back into hers. They moved their faces closer and closer together, when...

Al came screaming out of the tent.

"What's wrong?" asked Ed, braking away from Talandra.

"Envy turned into a flashlight and went into the tent!" said Al.

Envy came rushing out afterward.

"You snore so loudly!" said Envy, pointing to Al.

"How is that even possible?" asked Ed.

"Uh, I, well, um, I, uh," said Envy. "I don't know! But it just is! It doesn't matter anyway, because I'm going to kill you now!"

He pulled out a gun and started firing at Ed. But Ed was in shock, and couldn't transmute anything in time. So Talandra stepped forward. There was a huge cloud of smoke, and when it cleared, there was a huge wall in front of them!

"What's going on?" asked Envy. "Lust, go attack them or something!"

Suddenly, Lust jumped out of a tree and started attacking everyone with her razor-sharp fingernails. Talandra kept dodging her blows, but couldn't do any damage. So she clapped her hands together and touched them to the ground, where a spear suddenly came up. She started fighting with Lust and easily drove the spear into her head. Lust fell to the ground.

"Now it's your turn!" she said, pointing the spear at Envy.

He suddenly noticed her, with her gleaming eyes and shimmering hair. Lust came up from behind her and tried to chop her arm off, but because it was automail, it didn't work, because her automail was made of a special titanium-steel alloy which Lust probably could have cut through but didn't because Talandra was special. Envy looked extremely uncomfortable. He then turned into a hawk and flew away.

"Envy, you idiot," said Lust, running into the woods.

"Who were those people?" asked Talandra.

"They weren't people," said Ed, "they were Homunculi. They've been trying to get me to forge a Philosopher's Stone for them."

"Let's hope they don't come again," said Talandra. She yawned. "I'm going to bed."

She walked into the tent and fell asleep, with Ed and Al following soon after.

Meanwhile, at the Homunculi's lair...

"Envy, what were you thinking?" asked Lust.

"I... don't know," he said.

"When you saw that stupid ugly girl you clammed up!" she said.

"She's not ugly!" said Envy. "And she's not stupid. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! And the way she wielded that spear was incredible."

"So you're saying she's more beautiful than me?" asked Lust.

"Yes, by far," said Envy. "Her locks are golden and shimmery, yours are just black and, uh, not shimmery! And her eyes are the deepest and purest shade of blue I've ever seen, and yours are-"

He was suddenly cut off by Lust cutting him to pieces with her fingernails. He then turned into an amorphous blob for a moment and then turned back into himself. Suddenly, the door opened and Wrath walked in.

"Oh, uh," he said. "Can you get out for a second?"

"Go away, Wrath!" said Lust. "We're having a private talk!"

"Well, you're in the bathroom," he said.

"Just hold it and go away for a second!" said Lust. "We're having a grown up talk!"

"Hey, I'm just as grown up as you!" said Wrath.

"No, you're not!" said Lust. "Just get out of here! We don't want you near us!"

"You ugly butthole!" said Wrath, grasping her arm and starting to gnaw on it.

"Get off!" said Lust. "Stop biting me! You aren't Gluttony!"

Wrath wasn't paying attention. Without anyone noticing, Envy slipped out of the lair and set out to find the one he loved...

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Do the Homunculi even have a lair? I dunno. Review please! 


	2. Chapter 2: I think I'm in Love!

Hello again! Back with a new chapter! I hope you liked the last one! I'm just going to thank all of my reviewers, since I only have three:

The Blimp Alchemist: Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it!

Ruby Fire Wolfson: I'm happy you thought it was funny. I liked the bit where Envy tried to shoot Ed, too.

Spearette:I realize you probably aren't reading the second chapter of this, but that isn't thepoint.I'm glad you thought it was a good parody, and I don't think your review is a flame, but I just want you and everyone else who is reading this fanfiction to know that I do not intend for this to be something to tell people to stop writing the way they do. I am only writing this because I know that there are people who like to make fun of Mary Sues and this is just something to make those people laugh. I don't want to impose my will on anyone, nor do I believe in forcing people to do things that they don't want to do. So if you have a story with a Mary Sue in it, I don't want you to change your writing style or your character just because I'm making fun of them.

Anyway, read on!

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Chapter 2: I think I'm in Love!

When Talandra woke up the next morning, she saw Ed cooking some food that he transmuted. Al was still asleep, so she went and sat next to him.

"Good morning," she said.

"G'morning," he said.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked.

"Some random bread and vegetables I transmuted," said Ed.

"Mmm... sounds yummy," she said.

"So, how come you can perform alchemy without a transmutation circle?" asked Ed.

"I don't know, I just can," she said. "I've been able to do it since I was seven. Except for really complex alchemy with really twisty transmutation circles. Like human alchemy."

Ed nodded solemnly.

"You know, I tried human alchemy, too," he said. "Me and Al tried it. We tried to bring our mom back, but I lost a leg. And then Al lost his body. So I cut off my arm and used it as an offering to attach Al's soul to the armor. Then I got automail, too."

He lifted his sleeve and revealed the automail.

"That's so tragic, Ed," she said.

Ed started blushing, and he stared into her eyes. They were like pools of dark water. He thought he saw a fish in one of them, but then he realized it was just the light reflecting off of them. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Envy appeared. Ed transmuted his automail into a sword.

"No!" said Envy. "I don't want to fight you!"

"Then why are you here?" asked Ed.

"I am here to pledge my eternal love to, uh, what's you're name again?" said Envy.

"Ed, and ew! That is so wrong!" said Ed.

"Not you, her!" said Envy, pointing to Talandra. "I even brought her presents to prove my passion further!"

He held out a giant version of one of those chalky heart-shaped candies that said "U R 2 CUTE!" and a box of chocolate and a dress and a necklace. He kneeled down and handed Talandra the presents and she took them.

"There, you love me now, don't you?" said Envy. "Because I love you! And we can get married and be together forever and ever!"

"Back off, Envy!" said Ed. "She's mine! I love her more than the sun and the moon and the Philosopher's Stone... well, maybe not _that _much, but I still love her a lot!"

"Well, I love her more!" said Envy.

"That's impossible! You have no emotions!" said Ed.

"I do too!" said Envy. "I can feel envy!"

"That's because you're the embodiment of envy!" said Ed.

Envy pulled out a gun (again) and Ed transmuted his arm into a gun. They started firing, and Ed shot Envy in the forehead, but because he was a homunculus, he didn't die.

"Stop it!" said Talandra. "Stop fighting! Can't we all just be friends?"

Talandra's kind words melted Envy's heart and he and Ed stopped shooting at each other. Envy walked towards her and leaned toward her face, when suddenly, he snapped back.

"Watch out!" he said, and Lust ran up from behind her and tried to slice her head off. Talandra was frozen in fear and couldn't move. She waited for the impact, but then turned and saw Ed lying on the ground with his head a few feet away.

"Ed, no!" cried Talandra, rushing to his body. She picked up his head and placed it near his neck. She then drew a transmutation circle in the dirt. Then, she put her arms on the inside of the circle and it glowed, and Ed's head reconnected with his neck. He was alive!

Talandra then rushed forward and clapped her hands together. She put them on the ground next to Lust's feet and the ground underneath her turned into quicksand! Lust sank beneath it and was never seen again.

"How did you revive me?" asked Ed.

"It's called Healing Alchemy," she said. "I'm the only person in the world who knows how to do it. You can heal anyone, even bring them back from death."

"If that's true, then why didn't you just do that on your family?" asked Ed.

"I didn't know I could until it was too late," she said.

"Hey, do you think you could use that to turn our bodies back to normal?" asked Ed.

"I could try," she said, and Ed and Envy followed her into the tent, where Al was still asleep. She clapped her hands together and touched Al's body. They were surrounded in a bright light, and when it cleared, Al was back to normal! She then did the same thing to hers and Ed's automail, turning them back into normal limbs.

"Do you think you could do that to give me a soul?" asked Envy.

Talandra nodded, and turned gave Envy a soul. Then Al came rushing out of the tent.

"Brother! I can feel again! I'm human!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah, thanks to Talandra," said Ed. "She turned my automail back also!"

"And she even gave me a soul!" said Envy.

"And got rid of Lust!" said Ed.

"We are eternally grateful, Talandra," said Al.

He and Ed and Envy all rushed forth and gave Talandra kisses

"I love you Talandra!" they all said at once.

There was a long pause.

"I should get her!" said Ed. "I was the first one to see her!"

"No, I should!" said Envy. "I gave her all those presents! Besides, you couldn't have been the first one to see her, because you're so short you couldn't see over the crowd to her!"

"**_WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU COULD POP THEIR HEAD JUST BY PINCHING IT AND SO TINY YOU COULD SQUASH UNDER YOUR BOOT LIKE A TINY LITTLE BEETLE LEAVING LOTS OF GREEN GOO AND HAVING A DEAD LEG STICKING OUT FROM UNDER IT GOING TWITCH TWITCH TWITCH!_**"

"Brother, please, he didn't say that!" said Al.

"**_YOU SHUT UP YOU USELESS LITTLE TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE-USING WEAKLING!_**"

He suddenly felt an intense pain as Al smacked him in the back of the head with a rock.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"For being selfish," said Al. "She's mine, because I deserve to finally have a girlfriend after three long years as an unattractive suit of armor that no one would date because I didn't have a body!"

"That's being selfish, too!" said Envy. He wrapped his arm around Talandra's shoulder. "Come on, honey, let's ditch these zeroes and run off into the sunset or something like that!"

"No!" she said. "I don't want to be with any of you if you're going to act like this!"

They were all very upset about this tidbit of information.

"But," she said, giving them hope again, "if you promise not to fight I'll be all your girlfriend at the same time!"

"OK!" they all said in unison.

After that it was a long story...

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Was it awful? I hope not. Anyway, review, and I understand if it isn't as good as the first chapter. I'm not sure if I'll do a third chapter, so let me know what you want, because that'll help me figure out what I should do with this fanfic.


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